The Fragrance

Today I smelt something familiar yet so far from reach to me 

It felt like magic yet reminded me of a time when I hated my being 

A time when I felt ,a time when I mourned more than I could possibly smile 

A time where all I wanted to do was feel normal, but the only emotion I mostly related to was tears 

It reminded me of a time I’ve missed and made me wish I could go back 

Before when my heart was beating, but it made me feel like I was unwanted 

A time when I sat in my room crying for hours only to be called dramatic 

So I believed every lie that wretched one ,the devil sent to me 

Not realising denying myself meant slowly loosing her 

So today when I felt that fragrance my mind jumped asking itself why does it feel so familiar 

Like there’s someone I should relate this smell to, I casually saw a girl cry and I remembered the time when I could do that 

And truthfully, I missed her , I missed all the pain and empathy she felt for people  

And asked myself how did I even become who I am today if she left, I remember we used to sit and talk together for hours, telling ourselves the truth that was so bitter to accept. 

So slowly I started ignoring her because she felt like a burden whenever I left. 

Her requests meant being seen as weird and I just could not accept, 

So I hid her at every chance I got , not only that I wanted to forget what we felt 

So I made sure to not show that I feel things deeply, I didn’t want to hear the word dramatic ever again 

So I settled for strong, but truthfully I was loosing me, I silenced me and giving pleasure to me and attracted things beyond what I can now comprehend  but at that moment what I felt was Peace 

I said finally she is silenced and I do not feel the need to cry again, I smile and laugh more than I used to, people see light and not sorrow when they look at me, the ones who love me do not seem so concerned about me as much 

But then I could not feel anymore, I lost my zing the magic I used to see, so this fragrance took me back to a time when colours were rosy and ink blue and not everything black and white 

Every time I tried channelling her I just could not ,she was scared of being rejected by herself, I said how could I have made her feel like this after spending all those years in my room crying about the same thing I now do to her 

I mourned them, I miss them, I did not take care of them and so on one night they left me a goodbye letter. 

They said ; 

Our love , Our sweet baby girl 

I wish you took time to get to know her more 

I wish you would see you are not weird just different 

I wish you could see what he sees in us 

But none the matter ,im scared to stay here, this is not the home I was given to tend, 

If I stay here a bit longer I will completely loose you , so I have to leave so you can see that the light in you was not a mistake 

Whenever you need us, we are here waiting. 

A letter written to me years ago but only just now came to see, I cried and said Im sorry little girl that I could not do a better job, every choice I made took you further in the closet ,in a prison ,in a cage and just when I thought she would never reply back I heard a voice 

Its not too bad in here but its been long now ,I almost thought you wouldn’t come for me ever again, 

She said she had visits from our Father so it was never too lonely in there ,she told me she never lost hope in us and just kept on believing but she’s happy to have heard from me,  

All I could do was cry… 

I could not face her after everything I had done to her, I could not face them either ,I felt so much pain for letting them all down 

She said he always loved us and never stopped waiting for us to be together and for me to get out of the cage you accidentally put me in. She said the cage takes time to fully open even when I want her out again but she said I should not worry and that she still loves me a lot. 

She kept on wiping tears from my eyes and I just could not comprehend, 

How can this little girl still be so loving after being rejected by her own self and how could they forgive me after all I have done to them 

I ruined their home and invited guests that they hate, I told her to keep quiet every time she had something meaningful to say, I ignored their warning signs and now the same guests I had food with constantly come and abuse my house but she would know ,They have to sit there and watch every time my house gets ambushed 

I cry even louder… 

We know sweet girl, we know that you act strong and tough because you have me in a cage , but it will all be okay because our brother and Father are working on fixing things and soon me and you will spend forever and a day and this time we know how to tend to what God gave us. 

I just need you to visit me as frequent as you can and remember me in all you do , we have guidance and we will be out of this soon. 

She kisses me good bye and tells me He is always with us , connecting us more and more the more we talk to Him, she says, HE KNOWS  AND LOVES US ,ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT. 

I too wished she would stay with me but I knew I had to build what she always wanted so this time I make sure to make her proud. 

I love you sweet girl. 

Dad said he loves you beautiful girl. 

We are all here for you whenever you need us. 

Love,  

You.